Also I had a dream last night that a childhood crush came to my door with a coffee can, collecting for the "Injured Wrestler's Fund," dressed in a blue and gold singlet, all orangey-tanned and beefy. However, this is not much of a stretch, as he looks like that now, and is a pro wrestler. I'm sort of glad the love remained unrequited.

a writer friend came over and had noodle soup with Frenchie, baby and me tonight, and he reminded me that progress is made incrementally, so I came to the comp to make some small small increment of progress. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then I dicked around on fb for a while, and now here I am.

Ok, srsly, writing ...

I suspect that my dreams have always been this bizarre, but I continue to surprise myself with what's been going on behind my eyes when I'm frequently woken up in the night.

For ex) last night I dreamed I was helping people move. Friend #1 had rented a bus, which she had filled with records, Friend #2 (who lives in a quite nice house, in real life) was delighted to be moving into a grimy basement apartment with no door, and my parents wanted me to help move their cardboard store displays (which they used as dressers) and mannequin collection, paying special attention to those dressed as the 3 musketeers.

soooooooo, there's a job listed now that sounds pretty close to ideal, however it would likely want me to start before the end of my paid mat. leave (I have until the end of May).

So do I apply and forgo up to 6 months of paid mat leave (more likely 5 ... maybe I could negotiate to 4?) or hope that another 3 day a week job with a lot of flexibility working in something more arts, that I actually have a shot at getting comes up? (I also am still in the running for a government job I applied for 1.5 years ago, less appealing overall but lots more $$$). Ugh.

Why didn't I just win the lotto like in that dream I had? (I dreamt the neighbors won the 50 million, and we won 1 million. I could live with that.)

In other news, I have the appetite of a teenage boy these days. MORE FOOD PLS. Also, I made 4 baby ring slings. I'm getting better at it, things are going faster and more smoothly. Perhaps that will turn into an empire.

ok, lj friends, I thought it might be time to do a real post, in addition to the paroxysm of self-pity from the other day.

( Life with Edie is good. )

it might be lack of sleep, (after a long stretch of 7-9 hour nights, Edie has been back to 5 hr tops, but usually 4, and often 3 or even 2 ugh ugh uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh for a couple of weeks) but I'm feeling pretty melancholy lately.

I think one of the things I've learned is that no matter how much I change or my life changes, my role in my family will likely never change. This translates to: my sister and brother will always get more attention and assistance than me, for a variety of (probably valid) reasons. This also translates to: having a baby at around the same time as both of them means I don't really feel like I've been getting as much attention, or help, or really even interest in my baby.

I think I want to move away. But more really, I just want to get over it, and also get over all of my various resentments towards my family.

well lj friends, I have not posted in a while. I think it's because my days seem fairly unchanging, but really probably less so than when I had an office job.

-call your doula, say you think you might be ready to go to the hospital
-experience contractions on all 4s on your kitchen floor
-hang out on the porch, wait for your doula
-stroll around the park with your doula and Frenchie
-watch Frenchie taking pictures of the cats with his phone to show you later when you are in labour
-think about trying to scare the high school kids into using contraception
-get well wishes from a mom hanging out with her daughter in the park
-go to the hospital
-get admitted
-suspect the admissions nurse of racism for the way she is treating an aboriginal patient who is annoyed by how long she's been waiting to be admitted

( a lot more ... )

-make lots of calls
-make potato soup
-take the emerging seed heads out of your rhubarb
-take the compost out
-do a couple loads of laundry
-vacuum
-sit on your porch and rock
-walk around the block a couple times
-eat lots of stuff
-make lots of raspberry leaf tea and drink it
-send your sister shopping for things you forgot
-smooch your cats
-take a bunch of showers
-put all sorts of random stuff in your bag to take to the hospital
-send some emails
-pee repeatedly
-don't answer the calls from weirdos (who calls an coworker (in her case on both home and cell repeatedly) or cousin they've never called before/ never see because they hear they're in labour? I got one of each of those - ummm, what would you like? Like you might be aware, I'm in labour) (the coworker emailed since - she had advice for me. Much appreciated.)
-time your contractions/ get sick of timing your contractions
-update your livejournal

Frenchie's list:
-get beer
-go to bank (whoops, better make a deposit so we don't miss mortgage payment, we're super organized)
-wash the van
-get food

Sooooooooooooo, basically, I went to the doctor this morning, and she gave me an internal exam, and she was just telling me that "my membranes are bulging" and whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosh my water broke all over her exam table ... it was crazy .... we're not talking about a slow leak people. It was a massive flood. So dramatic! I then drove myself home, and the above list about covers the time since ...

so I decided today was a 'not go to work' kind of day. I had to fill in for the admin assistant on Wed-Thurs ... and I suspected she wouldn't be back today, so I decided they could run the show with ZERO of the bilingual people who tell them daily that more bilingual people are needed for today.

Also, since my class is ended, I have had more time to work on writing. My manuscript is over 200 pages now, and I've got the first 3 chapters/ 60 pages roughly edited. I'm working to my mat leave deadline! Mat leave starts May 29. But even though I usually have only 1, 2 max, courses at a time, I have been taking them continuously for a while, and it feels weird not to have any looming obligation/ deadlines from them. It's kind of jumpstarted some progress for me on the manuscript. That and really dialing down the social life and other activities (ie being too lazy to do housework/ home improvements, and feeling justified due to parasitic being inside). 

The baby moves like crazy now. This morning s/he kicked me and Frenchie could feel it through my ribcage. And the baby feels really large, based on how I can feel movement in various parts of my body at once. Like it feels like the baby is kicking in my inner asshole and liver at once. But the Dr. says s/he's head down, so I guess that would be punching my inner asshole. And parts are increasingly identifiable, or at least more confidently suspected. Like, I can often feel the back, or what I think is a knee, or a row of tiny bumps that I think are the toes, or a movement that must be the arm. And I can see shapes happening through my skin. It's all very weird and interesting to me.

But actually the baby moves a lot less than previously, like no more somersaulting (thankfully, that feels like vertigo) but the movements are increasingly strong.

This disturbs my sleep a little, also I find I need to pee in the night, so I have had the return of super vivid pregnancy dreams (that I remember in the morning) of the first trimester. Last night I did a dream drunk (also a theme of a few 1st trimester dreams), where I went to a stagette and had several beers and I wasn't sure who had my baby, and woke up feeling guilty about it. Over it now.

inspired byfiredoor

here is a partial list of names I call the cats:

Leonard: Lenny, Baby Lenny, Monsieur Lechat, Len-len, Baby Lion, Sugarlips, Dumdum, Meowser

Erikat: Erikitty, Erikitten, Sugar, Little Tiger, Chairman Meow, Meowmeow, My beauty

the least plausible bit of wisdom I have received from the voices of parenting experience comes from my sister-in-law who posted her cats on a classified website as giveaways soon after her daughter was born, that I would no longer want my cats around, as I'd resent their hair getting on my baby's things.  (brother-in-law did not allow them to be given away, she continues to feed and resent them).

Both of the cats like to snuggle up to me during my long vigils on the couch, usually, curled up on the pillow that's half supporting my giant belly and I'm already enjoying the cat/ baby interaction ... if the cats are there, the baby tends to kick them (I think of it as in utero patting, as I feel the baby is genetically programmed to love the cats) although one time Erikat was alarmed enough by it to run away.

Ok, now I'm going to go visit my friend in St. Adolphe ... she is within the ring dyke, thus unlikely to be smote by the water. She is also going to be so kind as to lend me a bunch of stuff for this future baby ... due to my superior skills in borrowing and having an acquisitive family and buying 2nd hand and receiving gifts, I may not have to buy a single thing. Also because I don't think it matters how you dress an infant.

And I've noticed all the same old shitty diet ads have a new line:

This diet will save you money!

That's right folks, you're poor because you're fat. You eat wrong. Buy this food programme, your money problems, along with, as always, your self-esteem problems, relationship problems and all the impediments to you becoming 'the real you' with 'the body you deserve and have always wanted' will melt away along with the pounds.

oh, the economic downturn is just another marketing device.

on holidays. This weather is keeping me in the house, which is fine, I have lots of important things to do. (haha, IMPORTANT). Although I did walk for a minor errand today. Some sunlight is good for me. But I'm having round ligament pain (like having stitches in your sides) for the past couple of days, as my midsection ligaments and muscles adjust to the increasing weight of my belly. Nothing serious by any means, but I see why pregnant women are always pressing into their bellies (other than to feel the kicking). So short walks are better.

important things, for example:
my main focus for this week is working on my manuscript. I am now at 185 pages/ 56,000+ words. My goal for the week is 70,000 words. I have made myself a spreadsheet with daily word goals based on a goal of 60K, 70K and 75K and thus far have not QUITE been making even the low targets, perhaps because I have been distracting myself with things like making spreadsheets, napping, stretching, cat-polishing and reading. Oh well. Progress is progress, and I can never write as much as I want. My other ms-related goal for the week is to send it to 2 writer friends (who've kindly offered to read and comment and recommend publishers) by the weekend.

Other tasks:
I emptied and cleaned out all the drawers in my sewing machine. My grandma gave me the machine a while ago, and I had just left all her stuff in the drawers, but now I used both of our collections of adorable tins and, more practically, clear plastic boxes left from xmas chocolates. This is the tip of the iceberg insofar as the amount of sewing crap I actually have, but again, progress. It thrills me to open all the tiny drawers and see the functional organization.

And yesterday I made a basic maternity skirt pattern (I basically just copied a denim skirt I have), and worked on a pair of pants. The pants seem really cute so far - they are a tweedy textured brown, wide legged, with a triangular back yoke - the back was cut too short to adequately house the entire majesty of my ass, but I think it will be a nice design detail. Aaaand the waistband will be a sexy 8-10 inch wide band of 2-way stretch jersey (more like 4" in the back).

So this afternoon, I'm going to start rooting in my fabric stash for the spring skirt I need. I have some grey stuff in mind, but who knows what wonders those rubbermaid totes hold???

Good-bye February! We've had some good times, but frankly, we should have ended it a long time ago.

I spent time in the out-of-doors Friday and Saturday. It was so sunny both days, I was kind of dazzled. I feel like the end of winter is really, oh yes it really is. Refreshing. I also made 2 meals of breakfast food Saturday, delicious.

I'm now in my 6th month of pregnancy. This is closing in on the 3rd trimester. Also, not this week, but the week after, I am taking holidays and staying hoooooooome. I have things to do at home, people.

I'm having garden fantasies. I want to make a rebar avenue, that is, an arch made of rebar that I can grow beans on. Or peas or both. And raised beds, a better (larger, sturdier) trellis and some hanging baskets. And a rain barrel on my downspout for irrigation. This might not all happen this year, as I will be more pregnant, but I feel good now, and I might have extra time off work .... SO IT MIGHT.  I also dream of a brick cold frame, but that will be next year.

xoxxooxoxoxoxoxoxox winter's almost over xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxox

I had a houseguest  last weekend, which was very nice. She came in especially to see the debut of a friend's band, the Bushtits - it was a great show!

Furthermore, the 2nd bathroom is COMPLETED. O what a feeling!
29. Finish the 2nd floor bathroom
The only outstanding item is the radiator - as the bathroom was created out of a larger room, the radiator in there is much larger than required. Although it's very cozy, it's going to be moved to the new bedroom, and Frenchie has stripped and repainted a smaller rad that his Uncle salvaged from another house he was tiling. But that can't be done until it's warm enough to cut the heat off to the house for a while without freezing the rad pipes. But I love the new washroom - it's been set aside for that purpose (with just a toilet) until we had the $ to continue the project (for about 3 years!!!) so it's nice to finally be living in that space. I have yet to use the shower, but Frenchie did today.

In other triumphs of house, I got a floor steamer from my parents to clean the hardwoods. Since I normally only vacuum, this has made the floors appreciably cleaner. This, people, is what's become an excellent gift in my opinion. A FLOOR STEAMER.

This week the baby started getting big enough that their movements can be felt from the outside. Frenchie and my mom have both felt it. We also had a meeting with the doula, which was very interesting, and also reassuring, as I feel I'll have some measure of ctrl over the process through her involvement. Also, she has agreed to take my sister as a client with a much reduced rate, as my sister wasn't sure she could afford it, as she won't be working for a long time, and her partner can't work in Canada (they plan to stay here 6 months).

Now I'm going to stroll around in the sunshine, and then the river path, and then over to the little grocery to buy some supplies to make myself a cake. I am going to have white cake with vanilla butter icing. Delicious. Maybe some soup supplies too ... I'm thinking black bean, Nicaraguan style, with a poached egg in it. SURPRISE! MORE PROTEIN! But my soup might be dictated by what's available at the little grocery.

As gestating babies are always compared to vegetables or fruit, I am pleased to inform you that my fetus is now the size of a butternut squash. I can feel it moving, which is weird and kind of disarming - like, there's something in there, it's alive, and it's moving of it's own volition. Frankly, it makes me a little nauseous at times, which is apparently normal, but I was starting to wonder if it was anxiety or something. That may be a part of it, but it's also likely due in part to my internal organs all being moved up as my uterus grows, which makes my stomach queasy.

I am alarmed to think that I have close to 4 more months of steady growth, yeesh! I feel like my body has changed so much, my centre of balance has changed, that there's so much weight on my front, and that my stomach is as stretched as it possibly could be. It's a scary prospect to lose control over one's body.

( 101 tasks in 1001 days update )

Do I REALLY have to go to work tomorrow? Despite having had a nice long break, with a mix of productivity, sloth, spending time with great people and eating lots and lots, my attitude (loathing) towards my job remains unchanged.

There are some changes coming up in the office, however, losing a beloved & amusing coworker for one that talks about spa days and shoes a lot, and refers to the north end as "the 'hood" (and locks the doors on her sunfire as she drives through) as an office mate - . Also, I'm getting a new supervisor, which could be good or bad, as my current supervisor's lack of attention (and consequent lack of progress on any projects) is, I feel, the source of much of my current apathy/ malaise.

But I just took a look at the calendar, and I need to last just 21 weeks, if I plan to go on maternity leave at the end of May, which sounds like a good time to me. I also have a week of holidays in there, so 20 weeks. I can last 20 weeks without telling anyone they're full of shit, can't I? I have a bunch of sick days left too, everyone there treats me like pregnancy is an affliction, so I suppose I can just call in pregnant.